Ode to Tea

Its all I'm drinking at the moment.
Earl grey or lyons tea.

Tea is awesome and calming and soothing and makes me very happy.
It keeps me warm and is just one boiled kettle away.
Yay tea!

3 more exams, 3 more days, then I'm free!!

Then I'm gonna buy a new netbook and I've gotta facepaint for a children's birthday party
YAY!!

And then party with friends and then sleep and then my boyfriend is in turkey for a week.
And then I get him back and we get to go househunting. woo

How do you define yourself?

I find it difficult to define who I am.

But then definitions are not what humans are.

Its all about putting people in boxes isn't it?

Its a problem that I can't really imagine what I want to do.

In the future like.

In 6 months, I'll be in college coz it's expected of me.

I'll do languages coz they are useful to escape with.

I'll drink my liver out. 

I want to fall back into the abyss. But then I'm more than half way there.

I want to dance in the rain, and fuck on the kitchen table.

I want to bury my head into his neck and avoid the world.

I want to scream back to the storm and have tatoos all over.

I want to wear pretty dresses and dr martens.

I want to have a baby to nurture and a home and a cat.

I want to be loved for who I am, not who I pretend to be.

I want to show him who I really am.

But I don't know. And definitions are hard. 

Help?

An End or a Begining?

I'm not sure yet.
College in September, no matter what.
Well, depending on how honours maths went.
If I fail, then I'm repeating and I won't care this time.

I've been swinging between don't-eat-coz-you're-a fat-bitch-who-doesn't-deserve-it and you-need-to-do-well-in-these-exams-and-you'll-never-escape-otherwise-so-eat.
Got no motavation to eat after the exams.
Hence, get to go back to jogging and coffee and sleep.
No more study or exams. It shall be amazing.
I was up to 130 last time I weighed myself.
Not been near since. Gonna avoid that til next Monday.

Having people over for end of exam/birthday business Saturday.
So loads of vodka/rum/weed and crazy people.
Severely crazy people. Like 2 people, who i'm not sure what the story is with at all.
Like what am I to do when they won't even bother to talk to me?
I don't know. Ideas?

But fasting come the 27th. And househunting. Yay.

End of teens crisis

I guess its like a mid-life one 'cept earlier. I'm 19 so soon.
I'm begining college in September, all goes to plan.
But I just about have my CAO done, and certainly not in a I-know-what-I'm-doing kind of a way.

I'm kinda thinking of repeating even if only to be home.
I fear being free.
Its really freaking me out. And its gonna end in a panic attack. Yay!

I'm gonna move in with my boyfriend come august.
I'm not sure how I feel about that. If we're just being grown-ups for the sake of it,
or whether it will actually work. I love him, but....
Will I just hurt him repeatedly?

I'm dancing around the whole idea of exams.
Like I'm in school studying. I'm working so hard. (I'm so tired all the time)
I'm aiming for the stars.
But I don't know if I'm doing it for me or for my parents.

I felt like screaming at dad yesterday.
He was moaning about me studying. Again.
What am I to do? You want me to do well.
But you want me to do all the things you did as a teenager. So that way its not just you.
I make the stupid mistakes too.
Well fuck you.

I better sleep. Got an early start tomorrow.
Got to make lunch which I promptly hand out to everyone at school.

Loves!

Panic

So I graduated on Thursday. Then promptly drank myself silly.
Yay maturity!

I'm freaking out. I'm finished school. I'm finished exams in less than a month.
I have to find a flat, a new home. I have to find out how to live away from here.
Living with 2 others instead of 4. No more family dinners. Shall be strange.

Gonna be minding a 19month old boy for the summer.
Get money for it and all. Aparently he's absolutely adorable - says mam anyway.
Money is money, and I love small kids. I'm looking forward to it.

Making a quilt. Knitting patches, one by one. Tis awesome. Calming.
I feel less crazy. It clears my head and I don't think.

More very much more soon. I'm gonna try and keep this more updated.

Binge binge binge

FML. 
Just kill me now.
I feel like a whale.
And it should be punishment time.
If it wasn't passed midnight I'd be on the exercise bike.
I don't know what I want to do. 
Maybe sleep soon. 
I've a long day 2moro.


I just want to puke. Loads.

Monday evening woes...

Everyone is calling me pale, or sick or haggard.
Aparently I don't look well.
I think its the insomnia.
But its not flattering when 6 people have said that to you over 3 days.


School is being difficult. 
Its a problem that I genuinely don't want to be there.
If I didn't have to and I'd still get into college I wouldn't be.
Just over 5 months left.
Then a summer of work and fasting. Yay!!


I wont get to see my boyfriend for 5 weeks.
I have extra like, mentor training?
I guess you could call it that.
Last time I went I was "in recovery".
Or at least eating my face full, so I could make believe that I was fine.
Its the same people, the people from my group in school and 2 other schools.
Which is fine, cept... 
People will notice. When I don;t go for the 4th serving of pasta.
Well, they haven't noticed in school so far.


I have extra music Tuesday and Thursday this week.
That means cycling today, Wednesday and Friday during the day.
Gonna see about walking the last bit of the way on Tuesday and Thursday.
And there's PE tomorrow. Ick. Ick ick.
I'm aiming for a cal count of under 1000, preferably under 800. 
Maybe. 


More tea is needed.
bye for now!!