End of teens crisis

I guess its like a mid-life one 'cept earlier. I'm 19 so soon.
I'm begining college in September, all goes to plan.
But I just about have my CAO done, and certainly not in a I-know-what-I'm-doing kind of a way.

I'm kinda thinking of repeating even if only to be home.
I fear being free.
Its really freaking me out. And its gonna end in a panic attack. Yay!

I'm gonna move in with my boyfriend come august.
I'm not sure how I feel about that. If we're just being grown-ups for the sake of it,
or whether it will actually work. I love him, but....
Will I just hurt him repeatedly?

I'm dancing around the whole idea of exams.
Like I'm in school studying. I'm working so hard. (I'm so tired all the time)
I'm aiming for the stars.
But I don't know if I'm doing it for me or for my parents.

I felt like screaming at dad yesterday.
He was moaning about me studying. Again.
What am I to do? You want me to do well.
But you want me to do all the things you did as a teenager. So that way its not just you.
I make the stupid mistakes too.
Well fuck you.

I better sleep. Got an early start tomorrow.
Got to make lunch which I promptly hand out to everyone at school.

Loves!

Panic

So I graduated on Thursday. Then promptly drank myself silly.
Yay maturity!

I'm freaking out. I'm finished school. I'm finished exams in less than a month.
I have to find a flat, a new home. I have to find out how to live away from here.
Living with 2 others instead of 4. No more family dinners. Shall be strange.

Gonna be minding a 19month old boy for the summer.
Get money for it and all. Aparently he's absolutely adorable - says mam anyway.
Money is money, and I love small kids. I'm looking forward to it.

Making a quilt. Knitting patches, one by one. Tis awesome. Calming.
I feel less crazy. It clears my head and I don't think.

More very much more soon. I'm gonna try and keep this more updated.